Journal Entry: Mon Jul 6, 2015, 2:08 PM
Hey guys, it's been awhile since I made a proper
journal entry. I've been wanting to write this one
for awhile, almost a year in fact, but I knew it would
only make me feel worse to get it down at the time
and I didn't want to write it until I was in a happier place,
which I am now.
Warning in advance - Sorry that this is such a rant-y
journal but I've wanted to get these feelings out for a long
time and hopefully there are other artists on here who
know how I feel. Won't blame you for skipping this journal!!
Until recently, I had been doing not-so well. I was made
redundant at my dream job last October and was
unable to find another place of employment. I fought to
stay as long as I could but when it came down to it they
didn't need another artist so I eventually had to leave.
During my time at work I would see new people
(non-artist roles) hired on permanent contracts,
other interns among them, and slowly I started sinking
into depression- questioning myself, my ability, everything
really. I was told and reassured constantly that it wasn't
to do with me, things were just dictated by what the
company needed and unfortunately I wasn't counted
amongst that in the end. I was lucky to get a contract
position after interning there for a bit but it was
short-term and only extended once as, like I said, there
was not really a need for more art. There may be again
in the future so it's not like I'm forever banned from
working there, but it's unlikely I'll be needed anytime soon.
And after I left, coming to terms with the fact that life and
work does indeed move on, even without you in it, was
difficult. I really felt like part of a family working there and
while I am still on good terms with the company and
the people, it didn't hurt any less suddenly finding
myself outside of the place and circle of people I had
come to love. At first I would constantly go back to the
office and visit but it hurt more and more as time
passed and eventually it was easier just to stay away and
not think about it.
October onwards, I must've applied for some
300+ jobs, not even all art roles, just anything I could find,
but it was only last month I finally got a positive response
(more on that in a min). I couldn't even seem to get
retail jobs because most of my CV was art intern roles
which put a lot of companies off as they (quite rightly)
believed I would leave if I was ever offered an art job again.
A lot of people gave me advice like 'go back to college and
study something else' or 'give up on art and try another
career path' but after how many years I've worked for free
to get this far, I felt a paid role must be close and that I
should continue as it would eventually pay off (literally).
I sank a little further into depression and there were lots
of days where I cried myself to sleep. I kept myself
busy with commissions (which I am eternally grateful
to have gotten, thank you to everyone who commissioned
me) and personal projects but it was still one of the worst
periods in my life. I honestly felt like bursting into tears
whenever I spoke about things, but luckily I had some
good friends and my family to support me through it when
I had these breakdown moments.
It probably does sound pathetic, and I realise there are
people in much worse situations than I was, but knowing
that didn't make me want to cry any less.
I feel like I'm a better artist now then when I left and I have
experience of freelancing and working for companies as
a freelance illustrator (though if possible I don't want to do
But anyway.. Happier stuff..
I've just finished my first month at my new job.
I was lucky enough to get a Concept Artist
contract role at a new videogame company just outside
of London which focuses on Oculus Rift-type games and
I'm happy there (and I didn't start as an intern! Yay!)
If the company does well I could be
there for a long time, which would be good, though for now
I'm just grateful to be back in work and art work at that!
For anyone looking into art in the future, it's a hard road..
and it's not a well paid road either in most cases. But it
is worth it!! I still think that and I hope I keep thinking that
for the rest of my life.
And sorry again to rant. I wanted to update dA on my new
job but I ended up realising I wanted closure on my old
job and venting here felt like a good way to do it.
Hope you're all well and sorry for my lack of replies and
Listening to: Kyary
Playing: Rune Factory ToD, Tales of Graces F